


Careful With Me

by aintitfun



Series: how to cope (vent fics) [2]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Non-binary character, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aintitfun/pseuds/aintitfun
Summary: Josh was safe and sweet. Why were they feeling like this?
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Series: how to cope (vent fics) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852561
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	Careful With Me

**Author's Note:**

> cw: descriptions of self harm, implied dissociation, implied suicide attempt, hyperventilation/anxiety attacks. Title from “Cry” by Ashnikko

This is what Tyler had been waiting for. They remembered the first time they laid eyes on Josh at Guitar Center. Tyler had been fumbling over their words, nervous about buying a new instrument. Josh was kind and helped them get everything they needed to get started, as well as his phone number for a date that Saturday night.

They had gone on a few dates since then and were hanging out at Josh’s place. This is what Tyler has been waiting for, so why were they so nervous?

It’s not that Tyler wasn’t experienced. They had slept with a number of guys and girls before, but this felt... different. Tyler actually wanted to be there. Wanted to be here? Where were they again?

Oh no. They could feel their self slipping into that fuzzy space in their mind. They tried to focus on the present, the here and the now. Josh’s hand was grazing the bottom of Tyler’s shirt while their lips danced together to an unheard rhythm. It was... nice. So why did Tyler’s stomach feel sour?

They could feel josh sliding his hand up their shirt and the panic set in. Tyler pulled back. “S-stop.” They could feel their heart pulsing in their ears. Josh was safe and sweet. Why were they feeling like this?

Josh pulled back, lightly tracing a finger on Tyler’s leg. “You alright?” His face was gentle, curious, and sincere. It made Tyler feel sick.

“I don’t...” Tyler took a deep breath in. “I don’t want to do this.” They fumbled with their fingers, avoiding eye contact with the older man. “I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry. Thank you for being honest with me.” Josh gave a small smile. “Do you wanna watch cartoons instead?” Tyler gave a quick nod as the TV flicked on. 

Everything was fine between them, so why did Tyler feel so... off?

—————

“I asked him to stop.” Tyler’s therapist gave a nod, encouraging them to continue. “And he did?” 

The therapist furrowed their brow. “Were you expecting him not to?”

“Maybe?” Tyler questioned. They could feel their voice waiver and cursed their self for being so weak.

“Has something like that happened to you in the past?” The therapist’s tone was calm, but Tyler felt a spike of anxiety. Memories of their childhood came flooding back at an alarming pace.

“Oh god.” Tyler could feel their self start to hyperventilate. “Oh god oh god oh god.” They dug their nails into their legs. “I can’t. I don’t...” they felt the tears dripping onto their hands. “I don’t want to talk about this!” They stood up suddenly, sending their chair flying back. “I...”

“We don’t have to talk about this today, Tyler, but you may want to talk about it eventually.”

“NO!” Tyler yelled, hanging up on the virtual call.

—————

Tyler hadn’t seen Josh since that night. They were too embarrassed and afraid to talk about the incident. They felt bad that they were basically avoiding him, but they couldn’t bare to have the “conversation” about why physical touch made Tyler so uncomfortable. It was better this way, at least that’s what Tyler told their self. It was better for them to be alone.

———-

“This is the last time.” Tyler mumbled to their self. They dragged the blade in a clean straight line across their thigh. “This is... this is it. The last time.” They mumbled to their self knowing it was far from the truth. They shivered in the now cold bath water, knowing they should have gotten out hours ago. They sniffled and continued their self destructive habit until they heard the doorbell to their apartment go off. 

They hadn’t expected anyone to come by, suddenly realizing they turned off their phone two days ago. Had it been two days already? What day was it? Tyler wasn’t sure. They ignored the doorbell, assuming they would go away if it went unanswered. They were wrong.

“Tyler? Are you here?” Tyler exclaimed to their self, remembering that they had given their friend Jenna a spare key to their apartment for emergencies. I guess going off of their meds and turning off their phone for two days (three days?) counted as an emergency. 

Jenna heard the splash of bath water and tentatively made her way to the bathroom. “Tyler?” She gently nudged the door open, afraid of what she might find. She recalled the last time a situation like this arose and she has found Tyler in bed with multiple deep cuts on their wrists and an empty bottle of pills sitting next to their bed. That ended with a trip to the ER with a very disgruntled Tyler riding in the passenger seat of her pink pt cruiser.

Jenna had known Tyler for years and cared for them very much. She just wish they would get help for their trauma. She didn’t know for sure, but she had a strong feeling based on Tyler’s reactions to certain things, especially intimacy. They had tried the whole dating thing briefly when they first met, but quickly realized they would be better off as friends. Jenna remembered the first time the pair were making out on her bed. It was good until Tyler had a panic attack and hid in the bathroom. Jenna tried to talk to them about afterwards, but Tyler had refused to even acknowledge that it happened until years later. 

“I’m fine. Don’t come in.” Tyler’s voice was too shakey to be believable. 

Jenna stopped at the door, doing her best to respect her friend’s wishes. “I’ve been worried about you. Your phone’s been off for a few days. I called your job and they said they hadn’t heard from you either.”

“Fuck.” Tyler cursed to their self. They must have been really out of it to miss work. They hoped they were still able to keep their job. 

“This guy, Josh, reached out to me on Instagram. He said you all hung out a few times and he hadn’t heard from you since the last time. He was worried he had done something wrong.”

Tyler sighed, then took a deep breath in, and sighed again, and belatedly realized they were hyperventilating. “Ty?” Jenna was beyond concerned at this point. “I love you and I’m sorry, but I’m coming in.”

“No! Wait, I’m-“ it was too late. Jenna took in the scene in front of her and did her best to keep a neutral face. Tyler was naked in the bathtub, bleeding cuts on their thighs and arms, skin wrinkled from the now cold water. They shivered, face tucked into their crossed arms, too embarrassed to make eye contact with their friend. “I’m sorry, okay?” The tears came flooding out and there wasn’t much they could do to stop them. “I don’t want to die, I just want...” Their body wracked with sobs making it hard to speak. “I just want to stop hurting.”

Jenna grabbed a nearby towel and swapped it over their shoulders, knowing that they felt self conscious about their chest. “I know sweetheart, I know. We’re going to get you the help you need, okay?”

Tyler nodded, still crying and feeling too weak to argue.

———

This is what Tyler had been waiting for. They laid eyes on Josh and felt warmth radiating from their chest. He had been very understanding about Tyler’s time at inpatient. This was their first time alone, unsupervised, since Tyler’s release. They really didn’t want to mess this up, so they were as honest as they could be.

“I have trauma. I don’t... I’m still not really sure how to handle it or even what really happened. I want to be intimate with you, but it might take time for me to be okay with you touching me.” Tyler took josh’s hands in theirs. “I hope that’s okay with you.”

Josh smiled big and bright. “Of course. Thank you so much for trusting me and being honest with me. That probably took a lot of courage.”

Tyler bit their lip, feeling a wave of tears threatening to make their escape. “Um... yeah kind of.”

Josh wiped away a lone tear with his thumb. “I’m here for you. I may not always know the right thing to say, but I’m willing to learn.”

Tyler leaned into the hand cradling their face and let the tears flow. “Thank you, Josh. Thank you.”

Josh pulled Tyler in for a hug and they silently enjoyed the embrace.

Tyler placed a gentle kiss on Josh’s cheek and smiled. “Can we... is it okay if we make out now?”

Josh laughed, deep from his belly. “Absolutely.”

This is what Tyler had been waiting for. Patient, caring, and genuine love.

**Author's Note:**

> Say it with me: Projection as harm reduction! Stay safe <3


End file.
